Well today was my first day back at work after being on vacation for 2 weeks!! It was a little strange, but I guess I have to get back in the swing of things.:(
The Infertility center/new patient registration lady called me today and we set up my first RE appt for Jan. 10th, next Saturday. She had this Saturday open, the 3rd, but I think I have to work this Saturday so that won't work. I am getting excited about the appt but scared too. I don't really know what to expect. My hubby is getting a little nervous I think, you know how guys think..."oh my gosh, is there something wrong with me, what if its me?!" The same way I feel in a way I guess. I know we will both be anxious to get the s/a back to make sure its ok. The nurse asked me if I had ever done the test to see if my tubes were blocked and I have not, so I think thats something they will probably have to do- which does not sound fun at all!:( As far as I know the first visit we will do the s/a, an internal u/s and just have a consulatation with the doctor on where to go from there. A big whoopin' $353.00 worth!
So I guess January will be the last month without the use of clomid...just totally the old-fashioned way. So you never know...wouldn't that be funny if this was our month!lol We will see how everything goes. My chart really disappointed me last month because it looked so "perfect"...it was really stressing me out towards the end. This month I will chart again maybe just until I O and just see what the RE says about it and go from there...
Thanks for listening! I will keep you updated!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
I found this on another blog and I love it..:)
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
Author Unknown
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
Author Unknown
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Our christmas tree!
I love our christmas tree and I don't ever want to take it down.:( I love the way it smells and just brings a smile to our faces....makes me feel all warm and cozy inside.lol:)
Finding a positive..
Well as you all read on GP- The doctor thinks that the next step is to see an Infertility Specialist. I know its the right and logical thing to do, I guess I am just scared. I never in a million years thought I would hear those words, much less be in the position I am in. A part of me just still wants to be one of those girls who "just gets pregnant" on their own...and not have to make that next step of a specialist. It can never just go as planned for me. Like I said before, every month I try and look at a positive that I can take from this situation...
I am truly blessed with a wonderful family and a wonderful husband, house and fur-babies:). I am alot more fortunate than alot of people and I have to count my blessings and not be selfish for the things I can not control. Patience is a virtue and something I have learned all througout my life.
For those of you who don't know, my mom got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis when I was 5. She used to walk with the help of a cane when I was young and then moved to a walker when I was in middle school and when I was in high school she finally moved into a wheelchair. Growing up, I had alot of responsibility. I had to take care of my Mom as if she were my own child in a sense...I had to help her with things she could not do, that the average person took for granted. She struggled with infertility for two years having us also, and then she was diagnosed with MS when I was five. What a strong woman! She feels bad sometimes and wishes that she could do more. I wouldn't change her for the world though....she has taught me courage, strength, and patience. If I can just strive to be like her, I will be an awesome woman.
So, just when I think my life can't get any worse. I have to take a step back and realize what I have. I hope that I can encourage people and help people with all that I have been through. :)
Thanks for listening!
I am truly blessed with a wonderful family and a wonderful husband, house and fur-babies:). I am alot more fortunate than alot of people and I have to count my blessings and not be selfish for the things I can not control. Patience is a virtue and something I have learned all througout my life.
For those of you who don't know, my mom got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis when I was 5. She used to walk with the help of a cane when I was young and then moved to a walker when I was in middle school and when I was in high school she finally moved into a wheelchair. Growing up, I had alot of responsibility. I had to take care of my Mom as if she were my own child in a sense...I had to help her with things she could not do, that the average person took for granted. She struggled with infertility for two years having us also, and then she was diagnosed with MS when I was five. What a strong woman! She feels bad sometimes and wishes that she could do more. I wouldn't change her for the world though....she has taught me courage, strength, and patience. If I can just strive to be like her, I will be an awesome woman.
So, just when I think my life can't get any worse. I have to take a step back and realize what I have. I hope that I can encourage people and help people with all that I have been through. :)
Thanks for listening!
Monday, December 22, 2008
BFN..again
Well I did not sleep good at all last night. I woke up at 5:30AM with my hubby and took my temp. It was 98.1 so it just keeps going down. I don't know how reliable it is since I am "sleep deprived" but I am pretty sure its not too far off.
That BFN this morning just twisted my heart into two. I don't know whether to cry, or to just sit and be numb for a while. No offense, but I can not take the BFPs this morning on thebump.
Everytime someone has ever asked me what my biggest fear is, I would always reply "not being able to have kids." I was not one to say.."oh I am afraid of dying, or afraid of spiders.." Everytime I would say that people would look at me strange, like Oh god you are a worry wart, why would you even worry about that. Always in the back of my head I knew that for some reason it wouldn't be "easy" for me because its something I have always wanted. I never wanted to have some important job like being a doctor, never wanted to be a millionaire...I never wanted to travel the world and stay young and crazy forever..NO..I just want to be a MOM..is that too much to ask?
So we have officially hit the "year" mark. I guess I will pull out the wine and drown my sorrows before Christmas?:( Maybe I need to change my focus. I have put on weight the last few months..so maybe my New Years resolution will be to lose at least 10-20 lbs. Just focus on me. Looking back a year ago I definitely thought I would have a baby in my arms by now...I had it alllll planned out. Boy, should I not be a planner. I have prayed about myself and TTC, but maybe now I should just pray that I don't drive myself crazy.
January 12th I think is my next doctor's appt. Where do we go from here? Who knows? This was my third cycle of Clomid-100mg. Will he bump me up to 150...I guess we will do a SA too. Here's to lucky cycle #13.
That BFN this morning just twisted my heart into two. I don't know whether to cry, or to just sit and be numb for a while. No offense, but I can not take the BFPs this morning on thebump.
Everytime someone has ever asked me what my biggest fear is, I would always reply "not being able to have kids." I was not one to say.."oh I am afraid of dying, or afraid of spiders.." Everytime I would say that people would look at me strange, like Oh god you are a worry wart, why would you even worry about that. Always in the back of my head I knew that for some reason it wouldn't be "easy" for me because its something I have always wanted. I never wanted to have some important job like being a doctor, never wanted to be a millionaire...I never wanted to travel the world and stay young and crazy forever..NO..I just want to be a MOM..is that too much to ask?
So we have officially hit the "year" mark. I guess I will pull out the wine and drown my sorrows before Christmas?:( Maybe I need to change my focus. I have put on weight the last few months..so maybe my New Years resolution will be to lose at least 10-20 lbs. Just focus on me. Looking back a year ago I definitely thought I would have a baby in my arms by now...I had it alllll planned out. Boy, should I not be a planner. I have prayed about myself and TTC, but maybe now I should just pray that I don't drive myself crazy.
January 12th I think is my next doctor's appt. Where do we go from here? Who knows? This was my third cycle of Clomid-100mg. Will he bump me up to 150...I guess we will do a SA too. Here's to lucky cycle #13.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
BFN- 11DPO
Well I woke up this morning and my temp was still up. I was so excited! So I managed to find one more EPT test in the cabinet. I peed on it as I usually do(I am a pro by now) and after a min nothing at all came up, not even the "test" line! So I walked out the bathroom for a few minutes and then checked back in on it...still nothing! I walked back into the bedroom to DH and I was like....ya know thats just my luck, the damn thing didn't even work! UGHHH
So I had to go to the grocery store anyway today to get some stuff to make cupcakes for our family christmas party tonight, so I thought what the heck I will get two more tests. I got back home and I cooked the cupcakes and the whole time I was debating on whether to test again. I finally decided...what the heck I will give it another try since DH is home with me today.
Well, I did ...and it was a BFN! After the 3 minutes was up I just chunked it in the trash and didn't even want to look at it anymore. Now that I have seen a BFN it is going to be very hard for me to test again in the next couple of days. I think I might just wait till christmas eve if AF is a no show.
Everything just keeps running through my head now that we have hit the "year" mark of TTC. What if something is wrong with me? with DH? What all will I have to go through to get pregnant? What is the next doctor's appt going to be like when I go back and say the third month of Clomid did not work! Pretty much to sum it all up, why me??
I know its still early but my LP is usually 10 days. Maybe this cycle it has changed, who knows. I will keep my faith up and keep praying about this. Thank you all for all of your thoughts, prayers and best wishes!
So I had to go to the grocery store anyway today to get some stuff to make cupcakes for our family christmas party tonight, so I thought what the heck I will get two more tests. I got back home and I cooked the cupcakes and the whole time I was debating on whether to test again. I finally decided...what the heck I will give it another try since DH is home with me today.
Well, I did ...and it was a BFN! After the 3 minutes was up I just chunked it in the trash and didn't even want to look at it anymore. Now that I have seen a BFN it is going to be very hard for me to test again in the next couple of days. I think I might just wait till christmas eve if AF is a no show.
Everything just keeps running through my head now that we have hit the "year" mark of TTC. What if something is wrong with me? with DH? What all will I have to go through to get pregnant? What is the next doctor's appt going to be like when I go back and say the third month of Clomid did not work! Pretty much to sum it all up, why me??
I know its still early but my LP is usually 10 days. Maybe this cycle it has changed, who knows. I will keep my faith up and keep praying about this. Thank you all for all of your thoughts, prayers and best wishes!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
10DPO
Its getting down to the final stretch of the 2ww. It has been a long, anxious one!! So many phantom symptoms it is crazy...I really hope AF stays away. Originally I thought that I might test tomorrow morning, 11DPO, but the more I think about it the more I want to wait. DH and I are off work all next week together so there is really "no reason" for me to test earlier except for I am dying to find out.
One thing I am shocked about is that I don't have sore boobs yet!! I just can't believe that ALL year, with every cycle I get sore boobs after O leading up to AF. This time I haven't had sore boobs are any spotting and its really messing with my head!:(
I still every now and again get the little twingy cramps but no real AF cramps yet. Last month I had a 10 day LP and for the past two months on clomid my cycle have been pretty close to 28 days...so today would be my "28th day." So ladies, pray that I can hold out to test in the next couple of days and that AF STAYS AWAY, far away! I think about all the ladies waiting for their BFP's daily and I say a little prayer for them. I know that every baby made on that board will be so cherished and such a blessing.:) I get so excited for everyone on there, knowing they worked so hard and have been through so much.
I guess what I want to say is, thanks ladies for being there with me through these cycles. Thanks for putting up with my sometimes dumb questions and anxiousness to test! :) GL and lots of baby dust!
One thing I am shocked about is that I don't have sore boobs yet!! I just can't believe that ALL year, with every cycle I get sore boobs after O leading up to AF. This time I haven't had sore boobs are any spotting and its really messing with my head!:(
I still every now and again get the little twingy cramps but no real AF cramps yet. Last month I had a 10 day LP and for the past two months on clomid my cycle have been pretty close to 28 days...so today would be my "28th day." So ladies, pray that I can hold out to test in the next couple of days and that AF STAYS AWAY, far away! I think about all the ladies waiting for their BFP's daily and I say a little prayer for them. I know that every baby made on that board will be so cherished and such a blessing.:) I get so excited for everyone on there, knowing they worked so hard and have been through so much.
I guess what I want to say is, thanks ladies for being there with me through these cycles. Thanks for putting up with my sometimes dumb questions and anxiousness to test! :) GL and lots of baby dust!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Off work till the 29th!
Yesterday was my first day of "vacation"! But boyy was it a busy day. Sometimes I feel like my days off are more busy than when I am actually "working"..just because if I am around the house I am constantly finding things to work on. Yesterday was my shopping day, I was worn out when I got back home. I think I still have a few more people to buy for...it my bank account will allow it!
As for how I am feeling about this 2ww...I am getting very anxious just because its the holidays and I have been shopping for my PG friends and seeing all the cute things...of course wishing I was in that same position.:( What a great time it would be to tell both of our families. My luck never works out that way so I am not trying to put much thought into things.
Symptoms(phantom or not): NO Sore boobs "yet"(that is a first ever in 12 cycles), I feel very quesy but I am starving at the same time.(example-I ate a biscuit this morning-it didnt fill me up and just a few minutes ago I had a bowl of macaroni?! at 8:30 in the morning...its 9:30 and I am hungry AGAIN!) I have had these twingy cramps on both sides at the weirdest time of the day. I had one this morning that woke me up. I am very fatigued, but I am not sure if I am just getting sick.
Well, I guess thats enough phantom for now..back to cleaning house!
As for how I am feeling about this 2ww...I am getting very anxious just because its the holidays and I have been shopping for my PG friends and seeing all the cute things...of course wishing I was in that same position.:( What a great time it would be to tell both of our families. My luck never works out that way so I am not trying to put much thought into things.
Symptoms(phantom or not): NO Sore boobs "yet"(that is a first ever in 12 cycles), I feel very quesy but I am starving at the same time.(example-I ate a biscuit this morning-it didnt fill me up and just a few minutes ago I had a bowl of macaroni?! at 8:30 in the morning...its 9:30 and I am hungry AGAIN!) I have had these twingy cramps on both sides at the weirdest time of the day. I had one this morning that woke me up. I am very fatigued, but I am not sure if I am just getting sick.
Well, I guess thats enough phantom for now..back to cleaning house!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Working on a Sunday..
Oh the joys of working on a Sunday. I can't complain too much though because I have off starting tomorrow through the 29th! Then off again for New Years!:) I am so excited. I have to do the rest of my Christmas shopping which I am dreading because I still don't know what to get some people in my DH's family.
Well, as for me..I am extremely tired today. I think the past couple of nights I have tossed and turned and not been able to get a good full night's sleep. Tonight when I get off at 5pm I think I might stop by the store for a few groceries, eat a quick dinner and go to bed!
The weirdest thing about this cycle is..the only "phantom" symptom I have had is very weird abdominal cramps. I am really tired, but then again I haven't been sleeping that great. This is the VERY FIRST cycle my boobs have not been sore at all, which shocks me! They are usually sore leading up to O and very sore afterwards until AF shows....hmm
::I swore last night that I was not going to get my hopes up::
Well, as for me..I am extremely tired today. I think the past couple of nights I have tossed and turned and not been able to get a good full night's sleep. Tonight when I get off at 5pm I think I might stop by the store for a few groceries, eat a quick dinner and go to bed!
The weirdest thing about this cycle is..the only "phantom" symptom I have had is very weird abdominal cramps. I am really tired, but then again I haven't been sleeping that great. This is the VERY FIRST cycle my boobs have not been sore at all, which shocks me! They are usually sore leading up to O and very sore afterwards until AF shows....hmm
::I swore last night that I was not going to get my hopes up::
Saturday, December 13, 2008
For those of you who don't know..
I have been wanting to start a blog for quite some time now and have just been scared that I might not know what I am doing or it might not make sense!lol Today I am on CD21 and 3DPO. I could not be more excited to see CHs on my chart..and solid at that. In a way I feel like this cycle has been the best so far. I feel like I am getting used to charting, taking temps, and our timing was pretty darn good this cycle! Wooo hoo! All in all though, I am not getting my hopes too far up. Last month was extremely hard for me, one of the worst yet. I would literally find out about "oopsie" pregnancies daily and it was definitely wearing on my soul. How do all of these girls get PG so easily and it is taking me and so many other girls on the GP boards so long when we want it so bad. The whole concept was really breaking my heart and I didn't know how much more I could take. I literally had a crying breakdown one day when I was off work. I went in our bedroom, sat on the bed and just wept for what seemed like 2 hours. It was good for me to finally break down and just admit that I was not as strong as I thought. Then I said a prayer, wiped my eyes and told myself I would keep going. From now on I made a promise to myself to find a positive in every month, even if its only one. I can't feel selfish anymore, and I have to be happy for the other women that are pregnant whether they "wanted" it or not. Everything happens for a reason. Like a friend once said to me "God just hasn't found the perfect baby for you yet, but he will." I truly believe that, and when I do become pregnant it will be a blessing and a gift from God.
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