BFN..again

Well I did not sleep good at all last night. I woke up at 5:30AM with my hubby and took my temp. It was 98.1 so it just keeps going down. I don't know how reliable it is since I am "sleep deprived" but I am pretty sure its not too far off.
That BFN this morning just twisted my heart into two. I don't know whether to cry, or to just sit and be numb for a while. No offense, but I can not take the BFPs this morning on thebump.

Everytime someone has ever asked me what my biggest fear is, I would always reply "not being able to have kids." I was not one to say.."oh I am afraid of dying, or afraid of spiders.." Everytime I would say that people would look at me strange, like Oh god you are a worry wart, why would you even worry about that. Always in the back of my head I knew that for some reason it wouldn't be "easy" for me because its something I have always wanted. I never wanted to have some important job like being a doctor, never wanted to be a millionaire...I never wanted to travel the world and stay young and crazy forever..NO..I just want to be a MOM..is that too much to ask?

So we have officially hit the "year" mark. I guess I will pull out the wine and drown my sorrows before Christmas?:( Maybe I need to change my focus. I have put on weight the last few months..so maybe my New Years resolution will be to lose at least 10-20 lbs. Just focus on me. Looking back a year ago I definitely thought I would have a baby in my arms by now...I had it alllll planned out. Boy, should I not be a planner. I have prayed about myself and TTC, but maybe now I should just pray that I don't drive myself crazy.

January 12th I think is my next doctor's appt. Where do we go from here? Who knows? This was my third cycle of Clomid-100mg. Will he bump me up to 150...I guess we will do a SA too. Here's to lucky cycle #13.